Not_a_thing: I used to yell at my parents but I never felt any anger at them. In fact, I don’t really remember feeling angry at anyone. I think I am asexual as well. I have never had a crush on anyone and I never have been in love. I never really felt lust, either. I’ve attempted to masturbate a few times but I never really felt anything.
The only emotions I remember feeling are sorrow and fear. Fear never really lasts long though. I feel sorrow for everyone once in a while. There are days in which I do nothing but cry. I only feel sorrow for myself though. I’m just a heartless woman. Most of the time though I feel nothing at all. I’m not content, just numb.
I try to hide my lack of emotions. I always try to help people and volunteer even though I feel no empathy. I’ve won awards for volunteering and people always say I have a huge heart. I wonder what they would think if they knew that I never felt anything for them and I only help others to hide my true nature.
Another thing I never told anyone is that I contemplated suicide since I was about 7. I attempted to kill myself when I was eight. It obviously failed and I was too much of a coward to try again. I’m 19 and I still want to die. It sounds paradoxical but the only thing keeping me from killing myself is my fear of death.
I was raised Catholic and when I was young I believed that if I committed suicide I would go to hell. When I was around 10 I stopped believing in god and I now believe that if I die, naturally or by my own hand, I will simply not exist. Non-existence scares me more than hell and it is the only thing stopping me from taking my life.