ANAL_GESIC: I think I’m a transsexual (born as a man), but I have no idea how to be sure. Even if I am, there’s no way I could do anything about it without losing all or most of my friends, and severely straining or breaking the relationships with my family members.
And it seems that every day that goes past my body becomes more and more unquestionably male, in some respects far more masculine than that of many of my male friends – less muscles, since I don’t work out, but more hair, facial features I can’t quite pin down. The hair is the worst; front, back, legs, even sporadically on otherwise bare patches. It looks disgusting regardless of my body image.
Any attempt I make at feminising my appearance (privately, of course) just looks ridiculous. So here I am, hating every aspect of my body and not having anything to do about that. And even if I did tell somebody and start doing something, what if I was wrong. Then everyone would know, and I’d have screwed over my life for no actual benefit.
And even if I could do something, would I really want to make my life harder and more complicated – as seems to happen for any transsexual – for the sake of being comfortable in my own skin? Would I feel comfortable at all. Maybe my problem is not that I’m an unfulfilled transsexual, but that my brain is conditioned to hate everything about me, and given that it extends beyond my appearance to my behavior and mannerisms, it isn’t unlikely.